Sunday, July 05, 2020


Photo by Javardh on Unsplash

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”

The fight is within. The fight is in accepting that everything is not in one's control. Neither I have to be blamed for everything nor I have to be absolved. Some say intention matters, if that's the case mine was never impure. I need not submit to any single philosophy, logic, idea fully but sometime the way forward is to lean onto any idea that just reduces the chaos and brings about peace. It may not be the most constructive or romantic way, but might be suitable in practical reality.

So, for the sake of peace just accept the things as they are because analysis is done for understanding issues, potential, limitations and developing strategies for the future. Crucially, it is not done to alter the past but to build upon it. Start from today. Define today as a place free of any references but full of lessons and knowledge. You are an evolved person today, educated about yourself, and you can reset for forward motion, making conscious choices with best intentions. This may include making no choices at instances.

May peace be with everyone, may you know what you want or don't want. Just be serene.

Wednesday, June 10, 2020

The Walls And The Wells

Photo by Valentin Lacoste on Unsplash

“Sometimes our walls exist just to see who has the strength to knock
them down.”
Darnell Lamont Walker, Creep

And why did I build walls so high? And yes, I suffer them the most... And knowing it all what stops me from pulling them down?

I miss all the beauty we created together. The people, I cared madly for. I miss all the good and even the efforts to manage many situations. We stood together – enjoyed, worked, annoyed and even tolerated each other and it all was fluid. But, the walls came only when I felt we should never beg for care, efforts or the goodness. From my situation, it was a mutual experience and we were not doing anyone favours. Communications were to be free and trustful. But why did I find myself in a place where I had to question the whole of our connection.

Earlier, I had asked for help and it wasn't refused outright. It was better if I was told 'no' in plain speak. That’s honest, kills the expectations outright. Instead, I was dealt probing glances and silences, confusions prevailed and I yelled in annoyance. It hurt both of us. I apologized and more than that I tried to revive the normal us back for a whole month and more. I tried everything to help us revisit the foundations we had created, where we knew what we were entering into. But, I realize the bitterness was deep and I remember how I was told, "You will feel the pain". Every good effort ended in a pungent comment, a frowned face or an escapist gait. That much anger and agitation, it could be sensed in words said and unsaid. As much as it was a punishment for me, I wonder how much the person suffered on the inside. I felt we shared a bond where we could be transparent with each other and share difficult emotions and it was the best thing happening to me. But, anger at a 5-minute failure triumphed over all the experiences put together? It set the thought train amock? It was so easy to overlook the good we did? It pained to have a simple sweet word? I tried to talk, reason, wait, laugh, force or whatever could work in that situation through a long list of terse comments. It was heartbreaking to see things come to this pass. I was being intrusive? It didn’t feel alright.

I won’t call anyone’s perspective a delusion. And I believe active rage would have been better, the passive anger was torturing me madly. I even communicated this. I wasn’t showing it but it was making me miserable. And why was I tolerating? As an apology? For sake of old times? In hope of good times? Or for simple basic care friends have for each other? I grew tired. I felt alone. The person I considered my support was fighting me to the bitter ends and misunderstanding me. I did not want this fight. And there I, silently, started retreating. I gave up asking for outings, I stopped asking for the small coffee and lunch breaks, I backed off from reaching out and even discuss those small assignments we had planned to work together. I pulled back even from our group talks as I was already being judged 'jealous and possessive'. Albeit I was being differently treated. I would no longer message or call. And it felt all the more worse not being able to ask, "How are you? How is life treating you? What brought you tears?" Last I asked the answers were but evasions, I felt like a stranger forcing my way in the conversations. Honest, expressive or I was violating their space? My fault, I could not kill the care with all the energies I could summon. And whom should I blame? If caring was weakness, I preferred weakness? And did I buy into the ugly idea of strength?

This is how the walls came up. Someday I think care and concern, other the ego and yet another the self-respect. The difference is too fine. But I remember, at this point, I had wished for all the goodness back or a simple silent, dignified end to beautiful experiences we had created. I had to be ‘the-difficult-person’ in the room. Blame me for it all. But, I was no longer short-selling myself or anyone around me. It was a tough time, to stay silent and fight through it all - the presumptions, the overthinking, the expectations, the name-callings and the memories of goodness. As it happens, the walls became the well, the sounds and cries got trapped. It was lonely at the bottom. And indeed, I fell apart rather loud.

But should I regret it? No. It was human and maybe required. And it set us all free? Did I ever wish for such silence?

Thursday, February 06, 2020


Red Rose by Masaaki Komori
 “It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”
John Joseph Powell, The Secret of Staying in Love

Aberrations or deviant behaviour, as they call it, are not easily accepted. But, as humans, we naturally seek bonds beyond conventions. It is our basic desire to connect with people at deep levels, to grow together, share ideas, thoughts and plans. We all seek people to fallback on, to rely upon in our weak times. We aspire to achieve together as well as to feed our souls. As a normal human being, we seek multi-dimensional growth. Material well being is to be supplemented by expanding and expressing our inner worlds for best of life. And somewhere, we desire to be prioritized and cared for without judgements.. We do not wish to feel lonely.

More often than not, we are never taught to communicate, manage and address these basic needs. Actually, there exists no fixed formula to deal with it and we have to rely on our 'guts' to identify our 'go to' people. The people we consider safe repositories. Its high stakes and fraught with risks, for we are seeking to be understood. Its a matter of trust and fractures often lead to crumbling, collapses and losses, specially when support and help are not provided even on asking. Ironically, on the contrary, cultures have normalised shamming for expressing our deeper selves and it becomes terrible when the shamming comes from our close bonds. It shakes the foundations of our connections. Lack of support and invalidation of our beliefs, which may or may not match with others', become caustic life experiences. We try to navigate through it all and reclaim lost peace. And it is not an easy task. Sometimes, it feels like a lost cause, a big lie!

But being intrinsic to our existence and nature, the need for a true connection manifests itself. Again and again, in our subconscious behaviour? These can be interpreted negatively, specially when their is blocking of communication. You realise you should have invested cautiously. And of course, the process shall face challenges, internal and external. Your experiences have also taught you to screen connections, shortlist beautiful ones and invest in people. You have also learnt to seek help, when required. Still fiascos happen. Things break and you weep. It is part of your journey. It is never easy to forgo living people, but once in a while you have to. It often occurs to your head, "Whether it was good to let the secondary treatment continue? Was that test important?" Ugly, as they may seem, some actions are sheer necessity. And in the process if someone blames you for doing the necessary, they may as well be the collateral damage. In the end we learn, "Being alone is always better than feeling lonely among your 'friends'".